Am I crazy?

 I know what you're thinking by reading that title, "This girl has most definitely lost it." I don't exactly mean that how it sounds, it's more on a personal level of me asking myself if I'm crazy. You see, I'm in the midst of a constant battle with my own inner thoughts and anxieties. If I do this, is this going to happen? Or if I spend such and such amount of money on myself, is something bad going to happen? Let me stop myself right there and give you all a little insight as to why these thoughts are constantly swirling around in my head.

Back in the summer of 2018 when we lost our precious Milla, I completely stopped posting on Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook. Well towards the fall of that year, I slowly started posting odd things here and there on Snap, nothing significant, just silly pictures around the house. Well it wasn't long after that, that Zoe's health started declining and I once again stopped posting anywhere. I did post photoshoots that I did of people on my Facebook page and tagged them, but that's literally it. 

Now lets fast-forward to spring of this insane year. I'm not going to share anything more than this about this subject because it's extremely touchy for me and I refuse to talk about it, but I lost my precious mom in February. So again, no social media posting was involved. 

Shortly after, in around March, I started posting more and more on Snap, then ventured to posting on Instagram again in April. Nothing personal or funny, it was literally only photos I had taken with my actual camera of weeds, bugs and so on. Well in the midst of these photos, I posted pictures of our outside cats, Clementine and Piper. I know I've never talked about Piper on this blog, but that's because we only got her in 2018 and I wasn't blogging around that time. She was on deaths door, but thank God we were able to get her and nurse her back to health, She got spayed and gained at least 6 pounds and was a super chubby girl with the sweetest disposition who lived a cushy life the rest of her days. 

Well towards the end of April, she got sick and passed. Whatever she had was aggressive and took her life within 3 days. She spent hours at the emergency vet in Farmington where they put her on a few meds and basically sent her home to die, which she did. I'll never, for as long as I live, take any animals to the Farmington Missouri animal hospital. We only took her there because we couldn't get our emergency vet to answer.

Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked, but that's Piper's short story. What I'm getting at is as soon as I started posting on Instagram again, Piper got sick and died and now posting on Instagram is tainted for me yet again. Stuff like this dates back to May of 2016 when I posted a few pictures of Zoe on Facebook (on her 14th birthday) and stated how blessed I was that she was in my life. Well the following month we found a lump on her belly and it ended up being a mammary tumor. So that was actually when I stopped posting anything personal on Facebook anymore. Which reminds me, I posted a picture of Piper biting my thumb.

So am I crazy, or do you see exactly where I'm coming from? Cause I'm not just imagining this and I'm damn sure not making this up. I know my anxiety is the culprit, because "normal" people without anxiety don't process things this way. I posted a couple times in late 2019 and then once in January of this year, but as I stated, I suffered a severe loss in February, but for once I don't think it was related to me posting. 

I'm still even contemplating posting this blog, so no telling how long I'll leave it as a draft. I love sharing photos that I take, but I'm too nervous about posting on my social media platforms, so blogging seems like the way to go. I've always loved, loved, loved writing and sharing photos here, so I think it's time I get back into it. It would just be nice to know if there were other people out there with my same thought process. 

-Megan

PS, I drafted this on November 24th if that tells you anything. *shrug*

I would like to add that I started posting glider pics on my glider Instagram page back in the middle of November and Violet fell ill shortly after. Mind you, she was nearly 9, which is old for gliders. She ended up passing away Friday of Thanksgiving week. So do you see why I feel the way I feel? LaVaughn says it's just a coincidence, but thanks to my lovely anxiety, I see it as much more. I'm nervous about posting this blog, but I think I'm going to just go for it...