Potential resurgence…

 Considering I’ve been at one of the lowest points in my life in the last few weeks, I thought that blogging would be a decent and much needed distraction. I’ve talked about my anxiety numerous times here, so there no need to go over it again. I’ve always attributed every bad thing happening to me or my animals to be due to my blogging or posting on social media. 

Crazy, right?

Anxiety does some very strange things to your mind. I think the only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I acknowledge how crazy or insane things sound. I know where to draw the line, for the most part. However, that doesn’t keep my mind from taking something minuscule and absolutely running a marathon with it. 

My sister and I lost our precious 16 year old angel, Una, on the 25th of last month and I swear to God it’s almost killed me. After Milla and Zoe passed in 2018, I clung to Una even harder. She was part of my soul and with me in every aspect of my life. The only time we were apart was when I was a work. 

I’m still not okay and I don’t know that I ever will be. 

I can’t talk about it, so I’m going to stop there and will most likely never bring it up again because it hurts too much and makes me want to cry. I already cry daily… numerous times usually.

With that being said, I think blogging would be a nice outlet for me. I feel like I have no drive to take pictures anymore, so maybe this will help spark one of my absolute favorite things in the world. 

Don’t hold your breath, cause I won’t. 

Maybe I’ll pop in tomorrow or some day soon with a little recap of my life from the last… idk, 18 months? 20? It was around March of 2023 when I posted last. So there’s that. Hope everyone is doing well, until next time…

Weekly iPhone Roundup {2.4 - 2.10}

 It's been a rather slow week this week, nothing has really happened - other than me not feeling well. I've had a terrible tension headache and bout of anxiety, so you can imagine how fun that's been. I haven't even taken many pictures this week. None on my camera.

The Sims has slowly faded into the distance, which has left me trying to find something to entertain my mind. I turned to Little Nightmares 2 again, planning on beating it once more, but it's not as exciting the 3rd time around. Or second? Hmm... I'm not entirely sure. Either way, it's just not something I can get into. I also can't justify $70 for Hogwarts Legacy right now, maybe I'll wait until Black Friday and hopefully get it cheaper then.

I won't, however, want to wait until Fall for the Resident Evil 4 remake that comes out next months. RE4 has been one of my favorite games of the franchise since like 2005. I have so many good memories and feelings associated with that game, which is why I want the remake so badly. Not to mention, I got the remake on PS4, but the rendering in the graphics is murder on my eyes.

Anyways, I don't know why this turned into game talk, that my bad. Here are the pictures from the past week:

Sunsets in Perryville.

I'm so used to living in the country, horizons like these are hard to come by.

Minus the strip mall in the background, lol.

Saw this gorgeous vintage car parked at Buchheits Monday.

I had the color of this picture - my phone doesn't know how to process the different colors. All 6 of my lemon trees have began to sprout and grow!

Cloudy drive home Wednesday.

It was also very rainy.

The cuteness that is Little Nightmares 2.

And lastly, my uncle made the mistake of taking his passcode off his phone and leaving it in my vicinity. When that happens, he gets pictures of nearly nude, buff men. Personally I don't know why he didn't like it - I think it's quite nice to look at.

Happy Thanksgiving {2022}

 I want to apologize for my very winey and depressing post a couple days ago. I was just really down and getting into my feels, but I shouldn't have ranted like I did or complained about stupid stuff that has no relevance. I tend to overlook how blessed I am and really take some things for granted. Thank God I have what I have and am able to do what I do. 

I'm an anxious person and have a lot of issues with things like that. Unfortunately I'm predisposed to anxiety and depression - it runs deep in my family - plus I experienced a lot of psychological abuse when I was a child, so yay. I really didn't want to use my blog for complaining or wining, but I guess I just needed to vent. 

Anyways, Thanksgiving dinner prep was in full swing all day yesterday. I'm not going to go into great detail, but we were cooking from like 3pm until 9pm. Somewhere around in there, anyways. Today when I got up I made the dressing, cranberry sauce and green bean casserole. Then, of course, engorged way too much, but I'm thankful that I was able to. 

Earlier today I went out and took some pics around the yard. It was super hot in the house and the temperature was pretty mild outside. It was cloudy, so I didn't have to worry about harsh, early afternoon lighting. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of this camera, because I really like a few of the pictures that I got today. 

Tomorrow we're headed to a new Tree Farm to hopefully get our Christmas Tree from. It's a place in Bonne Terre called Bollinger Farms. They're new this year, so I'm sure their prices are ridiculous. Hopefully not, but it would be nice. I really miss Beck's Tree Farm, but they've been closed down since like 2018 or something.

Anyways, I guess that all for now... Happy Thanksgiving!

Hung the Dollar Tree inflatable ornaments today... they're not even and it kills me.

I know it's probably hard to tell, but there is so much detail in this picture. I was amazed with how it looked once I saw it on the computer. There's no posting editing either, this is straight from the camera.

I'm still trying to work out my shutter and ISO on this camera, it's basically the same, but since this is an FX camera, it's a smidge different.

There's great detain in this photo of tree bark too.

The lighting on the bathroom wall.

Out Christmas Village at night.

The little Christmas Village always looks so nice all lit up.

I took these Christmas Village pics with my Tokina lens.

A nice macro shot of the bread cubes I made last night for homemade stuffing today.

I took a couple more, but they were super dark.

Dried and decayed basil leaves.

There's something so beautiful about fall leaves.

Some dried and dead flowers.

There's a lot of awesome detail in this picture too.

Raindrops on some parsley.

I love this waterdrop on the end of a tree branch. It turned out really good I think.

I'm clearly obsessed with raindrops, but check out the awesome bokeh of the 105mm lens.

This is a raindrop in one of the little pom pom weeds.

Beautiful pine branches.

Moss and a leaf on the roof of an old dog house.

The focal point is off a bit here, but I still like it. Mainly because I love leaves.

One more picture of the dead mammoth basil leaf for good measure.

Only 15 months late...

 Wow, I have no words. I really don't know what happens to be when I just decide to up and stop blogging without a word. It's usually due to my overactive mind and anxiety, like 98% of the time. Then once I start overthinking and worrying blogging is the last thing on my mind. I know I've covered this in numerous posts, but it's still true today. 

I can't express how much I love blogging, so I don't know why I can't just take a step back, reassess and then continue blogging a week or two later. Instead I wait months or year. *insert eye roll*

So... I have literally no idea where to begin. I mean, over a year has passed so a lot has happened. I mean, a lot of the same, really. I'm going to try and backtrack without looking at photos to see if anything big sticks out. The most recent thing would be a photoshoot that I did last week. I'm sure I've talked about Shawna and her little brother, Levi, before. I used to work with her at the store in Des Arc - I've known her and her family for over 6 years. She messaged me a couple weeks ago and asked if I would do Levi's senior pictures, of course I said yes. Even though Shawna and I kinda had a falling out not long after I left that job. That's for another post, though. We're still civil and talk, but things are just different not. 

Anyways, so I did his pictures last week. I'll dedicate a post to that before too long. As soon as I opened my blogger dashboard today I saw that I had a draft post from July 14th of last year. It was a COVID vaccine update, so I went ahead and posted it. I read over it first - nothing huge, just the update. 

I don't really want to go over everything in this post, because I want to create dedicated posts with photos, so I'll probably stop here and go write up some drafts. I have to go through photos first... lots and lots of photos. I also forgot what website I used to watermark my photos, that sucks. I'm sure I'll be able to find it again. Maybe I even have it watermarked. 

I guess that's all for now. If I stick to this, I'll probably have an influx of posts in the coming days. Until next time!

COVID Vaccine (and mental health) Update

Here I sit on a very humid Thursday afternoon, contemplating life and the many things I need to do today. I wasn't really sure I was going to blog anymore this week, but since I'm left to only my thoughts, I thought it best to write for a while as a sort of release. 

I'll start by updating you on how I feel post-vaccine. The answer? Better, much better. By late Tuesday night I was feeling good and even my headache subsided. The fatigue was gone, my headache was better (aside from my constant tension headache) and I wasn't really thinking about the shot anymore. My arm, however, was terribly sore all day Tuesday and most of the day yesterday. I have about a half-dollar sized bruise and an equally sized knot to match. It's still sore today, but nothing like the previous days. The knot has also gone down from yesterday, which is fantastic. 

Now all I have to do is get through the second shot and I'll hopefully be good to go. I'm still going to stress like crazy for the weeks (probably months or years) to follow, but hopefully this will keep me and my family safer.

I've had a rough couple months lately. I don't know why, but I have these crazy thoughts in my head that just won't go away. I keep thinking of old times, times when my gran, mom, dad and other deceased family members were still around and it really gets me down. It's like I can't comprehend the fact that they're gone and I long to have those days back. I know everyone does this, but it seems like it's getting worse the older I get. 

I also keep thinking of the future and worry about losing other people and animals. Sometimes it's worse than others and it all hits me at once. It's like I have a weighted blanket of sadness that I can't get out from under. I don't know if I'm just going through a phase or what. I think a lot of it is due to my anxiety. I've had a couple really bad anxiety attacks this year and it's detrimental to my mental health. I try to stay as positive as I can, but when you have such heavy thoughts, it's hard. 

That's enough of that, but it does help to write about it. I don't really talk to anyone about it because I don't want to bring them down. I also worry that they won't understand and think I'm being weird. Am I the only one that misses being young and naive? I think back to when I was young and how little I worried. I didn't really know about the worries of the world and was completely sheltered. I know there are adults in the world that still have that mindset, but I honestly don't know how. 

I think it's time to close this chapter for now, lol. I'm going to switch gears and talk about the beautiful full moon last night! After LaVaughn and I got back from our walk we drove down the road so that I could try and capture the moon and all its radiant glory. I was, unfortunately, in a rush and couldn't take the time I needed to capture a good image, but I did get a decent one. I so badly want a longer lens for better pics of the moon. I think I want too many lenses, lol. 

Well I guess that's all for now. I'll share a couple pictures of the mood that I took last night. I also just ran outside and took a few rando pics to add to this post.

Full moon last night.

Definitely not my best moon pics, but decent.

I totally need a longer lens.

Potatoes picked from the garden today!

Some of the beautiful begonias that I saved from Rozier's.

Pretty purple flowers.

I can't think of what they're called.

Just A Check-In

 I've really been slacking in the blogging department lately. I sometimes feel obligated to blog at least 3 times a week, then sometimes I find myself struggling to blog just once. It's easier if I take lots of photos each week and actually have something to share, but if I don't then I feel like blogging is pointless. I'm not the type of person that has to document every aspect of their lives. I mean, maybe 6 or 7 years ago I did, but that's just not me anymore.

I love to write, even if I'm in a rush and don't read through what I've written to correct my mistakes, I still love it. I obviously love photography, so sharing my photos here is something that I really enjoy. Last week was occupied for obvious reasons, but this past week LaVaughn and I both have worked extra, so there haven't really been any free days. 

Tuesday doesn't count as a day because we had a 2 hour drive home, plus had to stop for groceries beforehand. By the time we get home and get everything sanitized, put away and then cook dinner, it's late and there's really no time to take pictures of anything to post. We also cleaned up around the house, took the glider's drop trays out and washed them, took all the glider's cage sets out and washed them, vacuumed the glider room, carpet cleaned part of the glider room, then for some random reason we cleaned out the closets and got rid of two trash bags full of shoes.

Wednesday was garden cleanup day. After breakfast and feeding all the animals we went down to the garden and started cleaning it up and pulling weeds - that took forever and I'm legit still super sore. 

I had to take my aunt to the doctor Wednesday in Farmington and we didn't get home until after 5. By the time we ate, watered the garden and bedded the chickens the day was just gone. We also had to pack for work this weekend which takes a while because we have to prepare 4/5 days of glider food, wash laundry and pack bags. 

This week was exceptionally busy due to the fact that we stayed away for work two extra days. I also had crippling anxiety Tuesday evening/night. Anyone who has periods of severe anxiety knows what I mean when the aftershock takes days. Wednesday was weird all day and most of the day Thursday. I think it was Thursday night when I started feeling relief. If I'm being honest I'm still feeling the effects somewhat.

I'm not going to get into all that, but having really anxious weeks takes its toll. 

I've also been really into playing the piano again for some reason, so anytime I have free time that's what I do. I usually spend at least an hour a day playing if nothing's going on. I actually finally finished a song I was learning Thursday night. I have a video on my phone, but I don't really want to upload it on YouTube just to share it here. 

So there's a rundown of the last week or so and why I don't blog as much some weeks. I think I put too much pressure on myself to blog and that's what's going to end up ruining this for me. I think it's okay if I don't blog some weeks and if I don't feel like doing it or if I feel I'm forcing myself, then I just won't blog. I haven't taken any pictures in over a week, so maybe next week I can get out and take some of the garden for an update - everything is growing like crazy right now. 

Well, I guess that's all for now.

Random picture (that I don't own) of these Cucamelons, only because I had no photos to share. I also want to order these seeds next year and try to grow these bad boys!

Am I crazy?

 I know what you're thinking by reading that title, "This girl has most definitely lost it." I don't exactly mean that how it sounds, it's more on a personal level of me asking myself if I'm crazy. You see, I'm in the midst of a constant battle with my own inner thoughts and anxieties. If I do this, is this going to happen? Or if I spend such and such amount of money on myself, is something bad going to happen? Let me stop myself right there and give you all a little insight as to why these thoughts are constantly swirling around in my head.

Back in the summer of 2018 when we lost our precious Milla, I completely stopped posting on Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook. Well towards the fall of that year, I slowly started posting odd things here and there on Snap, nothing significant, just silly pictures around the house. Well it wasn't long after that, that Zoe's health started declining and I once again stopped posting anywhere. I did post photoshoots that I did of people on my Facebook page and tagged them, but that's literally it. 

Now lets fast-forward to spring of this insane year. I'm not going to share anything more than this about this subject because it's extremely touchy for me and I refuse to talk about it, but I lost my precious mom in February. So again, no social media posting was involved. 

Shortly after, in around March, I started posting more and more on Snap, then ventured to posting on Instagram again in April. Nothing personal or funny, it was literally only photos I had taken with my actual camera of weeds, bugs and so on. Well in the midst of these photos, I posted pictures of our outside cats, Clementine and Piper. I know I've never talked about Piper on this blog, but that's because we only got her in 2018 and I wasn't blogging around that time. She was on deaths door, but thank God we were able to get her and nurse her back to health, She got spayed and gained at least 6 pounds and was a super chubby girl with the sweetest disposition who lived a cushy life the rest of her days. 

Well towards the end of April, she got sick and passed. Whatever she had was aggressive and took her life within 3 days. She spent hours at the emergency vet in Farmington where they put her on a few meds and basically sent her home to die, which she did. I'll never, for as long as I live, take any animals to the Farmington Missouri animal hospital. We only took her there because we couldn't get our emergency vet to answer.

Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked, but that's Piper's short story. What I'm getting at is as soon as I started posting on Instagram again, Piper got sick and died and now posting on Instagram is tainted for me yet again. Stuff like this dates back to May of 2016 when I posted a few pictures of Zoe on Facebook (on her 14th birthday) and stated how blessed I was that she was in my life. Well the following month we found a lump on her belly and it ended up being a mammary tumor. So that was actually when I stopped posting anything personal on Facebook anymore. Which reminds me, I posted a picture of Piper biting my thumb.

So am I crazy, or do you see exactly where I'm coming from? Cause I'm not just imagining this and I'm damn sure not making this up. I know my anxiety is the culprit, because "normal" people without anxiety don't process things this way. I posted a couple times in late 2019 and then once in January of this year, but as I stated, I suffered a severe loss in February, but for once I don't think it was related to me posting. 

I'm still even contemplating posting this blog, so no telling how long I'll leave it as a draft. I love sharing photos that I take, but I'm too nervous about posting on my social media platforms, so blogging seems like the way to go. I've always loved, loved, loved writing and sharing photos here, so I think it's time I get back into it. It would just be nice to know if there were other people out there with my same thought process. 

-Megan

PS, I drafted this on November 24th if that tells you anything. *shrug*

I would like to add that I started posting glider pics on my glider Instagram page back in the middle of November and Violet fell ill shortly after. Mind you, she was nearly 9, which is old for gliders. She ended up passing away Friday of Thanksgiving week. So do you see why I feel the way I feel? LaVaughn says it's just a coincidence, but thanks to my lovely anxiety, I see it as much more. I'm nervous about posting this blog, but I think I'm going to just go for it...

Treating anxiety with Lazarus Naturals...

     If you've ever read any of my previous posts, I'm sure you've seen me write about anxiety a time or two. It's something I've suffered from for the better part of 10 years now. Right after my grandma passed away is when it all started. I panicked about things that might seem silly to people that don't have anxiety, but to me they were the worst. My anxiety was severe for about a year after my gran passed, but then I learned some coping mechanisms (or the grace of God) that helped me better manage it.

     I've done fairly well since then, but it's a constant and daily battle still to this day. Here recently I've struggled a bit more than usual due to some things going on in my life. It's nothing horrible or anything, but thanks to my anxiety, some days it seems like the worst thing in the world. I try to explain why I feel the way I feel to people, but there's just no easy way to do so. I've tried going into great detail, but when you say these things and your feelings out loud, it just sounds silly. Heck, I even sound mental to myself when I step back and think about it, but my anxiety keeps me from processing things like a normal, anxiety-free person.

     I've tried herbal teas, like peppermint and kava, taken supplements, like magnesium and L-theanine, but that feeling that you get in the center of your chest still likes to rear its ugly head. And even if you're having a good day, the thought of something that's taking place days or even weeks from then will still put you in panic mode. Now I'm not saying these teas and supplements haven't helped at all, because I do believe I have been able to benefit from them, but they've ever fully taken my anxiety away.

     My sister tells me I need to see a doctor, which I know I probably should, but being put on lifelong meds is just something I'm not comfortable with. They change the chemistry of your brain and keep you in a fog. Even if they're mild, they can still mess with you in different ways. I've have friends that take anti-anxiety meds, some say they work for them, others say they turn them into zombies. I'm not a fan of any type of medicine or even going to the doctor, so the thought of going alone stresses me out.

     I'm all for finding naturals ways to deal with medical issues. Maybe it's due to my Native American ancestors or maybe it's because I'm scared of taking something that's been produced by a chemist. Whichever it may be, I've finally decided to take the plunge and purchase my first CBD product.

     I've read about CBD oils for some time now and have read countless amounts of mixed reviews. Some say they're a godsend, others chalk them up to being just like an essential oil. I know there's scientific evidence behind the fact that cannabis has endless amounts of healing properties, so it's completely worth a shot, right? I've been reading up on different brands, which is the purest and which is the most effective for anxiety. That's when I stumbled across Lazarus Naturals. I've read dozens, if not hundreds of reviews and don't think I found any negative ones. I mean, there were a couple people on Reddit that didn't have a good experience, but the comments were nothing but good.

     I made my purchase late last week, so I should receive my High Potency Full Spectrum Tincture within a day or two. I can only hope and pray to God that this works as well for me as it has for so many other people. People have nothing but good things to say about Lazarus Naturals. From their high standards, amazing prices and assistance programs, they're one of the best CBD companies out there. I only hope I'm able to share an equally amazing experience with you all soon. And believe me, I will update ASAP.

-Megan

High Potency Full Spectrum CBD Tincture

Touching base...

It has been a crummy week. I had a TERRIBLE anxiety attack late Monday night/early Tuesday morning that has left me an anxious mess all week! I had another "episode" Tuesday night after work, but luckily it passed. It was the same last night, just not as bad. Thankfully (knock wood) I'm feeling a little better today.

I've been SO stressed all week! I'm seriously, it's something different every single day. My main worry is about this coming Sunday; we're getting 2 gliders flown in on the same day and it's killing me! Flights scare the crap outta me, there's always a potential for layovers or gliders getting left in cargo in a different city!

Aside from that, I've been stressing myself to DEATH about intros! We've been trying to get Declan/Ellie and Neal/Fiona together. We did tent time Monday night and things went fairly well. Declan, Fiona, and Neal all hit it off -- guess they remembered each other. Ellie and Neal even did okay, it was Fiona and Ellie that didn't get along. Well we left them in the cage together, then out of nowhere Neal started attacking Ellie. LaVaughn put them all together Tuesday, but they ended up having to be separated. We're going to try tent time again tonight around 9 and see how things go.

Aside from being a nervous wreck the past few days, not much else has taken place. I've taken lots of pictures, as you'll see below, but other than that there's really been nothing to blog about. So, until next time kiddies...

Love & Peace

-Megan

Pictures from Monday:

These are the c-links that were part of a co-op order. I paid for these months ago! I would have forgotten all about them had they not kept talking about them on a daily basis.

Pictures from Wednesday:

Gorgeous artisan cherry tomatoes.

This old rustic dog house makes for some of the best pictures in the late evening.

The critters:

Milla knows it's coming.

Fletcher always looks spooked.

Miss Una:

And lastly, Miss Zoe's photoshoot:

Pictures from today:

A preview of joey pics that I took today, this is Pietro:

Wanda

Jeremy

Elena

Some type of gorgeous wild mushroom.

The yard looked stunning today.

Bart is always doing this to me outside.

The lighting made for some GORGEOUS pictures of Milla.

Just look at her, she's stunning!

I love this one.

And this one.

More of the shroom.

It looks like she's going to snatch it.

I recently stumbled upon these gorgeous weeds, better known as the Jewel Weed:

Jewel weeds oddly look lie an orchid.

Most refer to these "flowers" and trumpet or horn shaped.

And lastly, a mini Jasper shoot:

This. One. Is. To. Die. For!!